Author Topic: Tadpole Wrenching  (Read 2379 times)

Alice

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Tadpole Wrenching
« on: December 23, 2011, 12:01:12 am »
Yes, it is that time of year again when the fiercely competitive Tadpole Wrenching Championships start all over again, this year in the inbred town of Mablethorpe. An estimated 25,000 spectators will flock to the quaint sea-side town, where most the shop windows are bi-focal and sea-gulls come as standard, to see 64 contestants aim to become World Champion.
Last year saw 15/1 outsider Bert Tee win, wrenching 6 more tadpoles than his nearest rival, the Spaniard Jose-Jose Tomton Jose, and with 4 gullets left to spare. He goes into this competition as hot favourite, having won the European Championships in Marbella last September.
Winning will not be easy though. 7 wildcards have been chosen for this year’s event, including the first all-woman competitor, Mary Mann. She sneaked through despite only averaging a wrenching total of 4 for the season, as well as a gullet rating of 4.7. She hopes to put in a good performance for the TV cameras at Mablethorpe come Tuesday.

“Obviously it was a huge shock to be chosen. My seasonal averages have been far from impressive and my twine-slinger was letting me down. I have been practising for up to 6 hours a day, I feel privileged to be the first all-woman participant”.
The African champion, a Moroccan dwarf named Dave is also expected to feature in the final rounds, as is Mr. Grey, this year’s oldest contestant at a ripe age of 102.
Expect it to be an event of highs and lows, and get your tickets booked and head to Mablethorpe, it’s going to go down in history as one of the greats, I can assure you.

Taken from the Official Tadpole Wrenching Championship site……

The draw has been made for the first round at Mablethorpe this year . 64 competitors will battle it out, the best of 3 sets progressing to the next round. The seeded competitors are all drawn out of pot A (left hand side) and other entrants from pot B.

The draw is as follows

ROUND 1;
Bert Tee v Dave McFarlane
Jose Jose Tomtom Jose v Bill Mates
Lydia Fursappel v Martin Bell
Dave ‘the dwarf’ v Mary Mann[wc]
Mr.Grey v Lombardo Robeiro
Curly Loughlin v Paddy Fence
Julian ‘the minature’ Evans v Lucy Ingram
Mike Spilligan v Zebedy Doodar
Junior Laywood v Harry Henly[wc]
Ruttle O’Toole jnr v Serena Clark
Sandy Stilton v Clark Cooper
Marco Dingalong v David Llewelyn[wc]
Remington Chizwissle v Pete Bingo
Xao Hioc Cock v Bruno Le pippin
Biily deBum v Horace Nelson
Dexter Mendes v Leitish sha
Fred Fridge v Lard Crumpet
Mike Screw v Dean Giles[wc]
James Jameson v Shirley Kingham
Mo Marsh v Damien Brown[wc]
Rory Nish v Damon Sullivan
Lucy Smith v Dwane Carr
Costa de la Apple v Mrs.Goggins
Ash Avery v Tom Roper[wc]
Paul Eacott v Mark Williams
Melon McCoorkel v Lame Regis
Farrison Hord v Trumpet Man[wc]
Gill Fisher v Keith Robbins
Phil Russle v Santiago Lopez
Giles Farmer v C.N JackMan
Mo Kaine v Paddy Tremble
Leroy Lazenby v Katherine Hate
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Alice

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Re: Tadpole Wrenching
« Reply #1 on: December 23, 2011, 12:01:29 am »
For those of you unfamiliar with the sport here’s a glossary of the terms and sayings used:

Taken from Wikipedia, the on-line encyclopaedia – Tadpole Wrenching, the terms and sayings, a brief glossary

Backhand Hook: A technique used by some competitors in hope of achieving a last gasp wrench. This term is used when a competitor first misses a tadpole, but recovers on the backstroke to capture the target
Bamboo Shooter: A device used by competitors, similar to a pea-shooter. The shooter is a hollow device used to shoot small pebbles to stun the target and can only be used twice in one match.
Girdle: Similar to a twine-sling, but more in the shape of tongs. The competitor must use the scoop on the end to aid capture of the target, using one-hand on the device only
Girth Reacher: A long thin device that a competitor can use to prod rocks and coves in the underwater cabins in hope of finding more targets
Gullet Rating: An average from either the season or a single match, based upon tadpoles wrenched, and gullet methods left over from catching them
Pickle Wedge: This is used in turn with the bamboo shooter.A small capsule used to aid the capture of the targets. Together they must not exceed the weight stated in the competition rules. Competitors can only use thumb and a finger when using the pickle wedge.
Tad-Wrench: The main method used for catching the target. Using a twine slinger (see below) the competitor achieves a tad-wrench when a tadpole is caught. A one-off tad-wrench, merely describes a game of three sets.
Triple-Snatch: This is achieved when a competitor achieves capture of tadpoles in three successive turns, one of which must be an underwater capture
Twine-Sling: A device made from two bamboo cane ‘runners’ which act as a sort of chop-stick, held together with twine. The most common method of using this is to hold between thumb and forefinger. It’s the oldest and easiest method in the history of Tadpole Wrenching
Snatch-Off: When the winning wrench is possible and achieved, this is called the snatch-off. A snatch-up described failure to produce the winning move when the chance is there. Many competitors have their own signature snatch-off.
Wrenching: The term used to describe the way in which the tadpole is plucked from the water, a number of methods can be used to do this.
Quote
Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible, but that alone doesn't make it true.
Quote from: Professor Bob Boblo
He had spent his whole life despised and hated for the mere triviality of wearing dresses and make-up despite possessing a (rather magnificent) penis, and this persecution had fostered within him both a desperate yearning to be loved and appreciated, and an iconoclastic desire to subvert and destroy the odious traditions on which society was built.

Bob Boblo

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Re: Tadpole Wrenching
« Reply #2 on: December 23, 2011, 12:02:42 am »
Come on Bruno Le Pippin! This is his year!
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Talon Karrde

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Re: Tadpole Wrenching
« Reply #3 on: December 23, 2011, 12:15:22 am »
Lame Regis all the way!

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Bob Boblo

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Re: Tadpole Wrenching
« Reply #4 on: December 23, 2011, 12:26:22 am »
Quote from: "Talon Karrde"
Lame Regis all the way!

I can't see it personally. Hes on the slide!
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its a collection of autistic homosexuals

Alice

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Re: Tadpole Wrenching
« Reply #5 on: December 23, 2011, 12:35:16 am »
Lame Regis has had all autumn to pick up his form since the disappointing performance in summer regionals, he was lucky to get through them tbh, with that backhanded swoop flop in the semi's, everyone thought he was done. It was only his natural talent shining through with a jaw-dropping triple-wrench manuveur in the last minute that saved him.
I for one, hope he puts on a better show in the world championships, and believe he has the capability to show his true colours. His knack for multi-snatches under pressure could be his saving grace even if he is off form, the tadpoles are slower in the winter months and a pro like Regis can exploit that even on his worst days.
Quote
Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible, but that alone doesn't make it true.
Quote from: Professor Bob Boblo
He had spent his whole life despised and hated for the mere triviality of wearing dresses and make-up despite possessing a (rather magnificent) penis, and this persecution had fostered within him both a desperate yearning to be loved and appreciated, and an iconoclastic desire to subvert and destroy the odious traditions on which society was built.

kcirp

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Re: Tadpole Wrenching
« Reply #6 on: December 24, 2011, 12:08:20 pm »
My monies on Dean Giles ive got a good feeling about this one
Why am I still here?

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Alice

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Re: Tadpole Wrenching
« Reply #7 on: December 28, 2011, 01:57:05 pm »
Yesterdays matches were quite dull, as tadpole wrenching goes. The players seemed melancholy compared to the qualifiers. We can only assume that they had collectively eaten themselves over christmas into sluggish lethargy. The biggest disappointment of the day was Dave 'the dwarf' v Mary Mann, even Dave, a frankly average player with an inflated perception of his own ability, admitted that Mary Mann was performing well below expected. He was gifted not only a victory, but the highest gullet rating of the day, thanks to Mary Mann's all-awful showing during the match.

Round 1 results
Bert Tee v Dave McFarlane
Jose Jose Tomtom Jose v Bill Mates
Lydia Fursappel v Martin Bell
Dave ‘the dwarf’ v Mary Mann[wc]
Mr.Grey v Lombardo Robeiro
Curly Loughlin v Paddy Fence
Julian ‘the minature’ Evans v Lucy Ingram
Mike Spilligan v Zebedy Doodar
Junior Laywood v Harry Henly[wc]
Ruttle O’Toole jnr v Serena Clark
Sandy Stilton v Clark Cooper
Marco Dingalong v David Llewelyn[wc]
Remington Chizwissle v Pete Bingo
Xao Hioc Cock v Bruno Le pippin
Biily deBum v Horace Nelson
Dexter Mendes v Leitish sha
Fred Fridge v Lard Crumpet
Mike Screw v Dean Giles[wc]
James Jameson v Shirley Kingham
Mo Marsh v Damien Brown[wc]
Rory Nish v Damon Sullivan
Lucy Smith v Dwane Carr
Costa de la Apple v Mrs.Goggins
Ash Avery v Tom Roper[wc]
Paul Eacott v Mark Williams
Melon McCoorkel v Lame Regis
Farrison Hord v Trumpet Man[wc]
Gill Fisher v Keith Robbins
Phil Russle v Santiago Lopez
Giles Farmer v C.N JackMan
Mo Kaine v Paddy Tremble
Leroy Lazenby v Katherine Hate


Highest Gullet Rating – Dave 'the dwarf' 9.6
Most Exciting Snatch – Jose Jose Tomtom with his classic signature snatch-off, his flagrant fandango flair flabbergasted the flagging fans after a relatively dull set of round 1 matches.
Triple Snatches – Dave 'the dwarf', Lame Regis, Bruno le Pippin, Junior Laywood
Game of the Day - Leroy Lazenby v Katherine Hate (review later)
Player of the Day – Jose Jose Tomtom


Game of the Day - Taken from the BBC sports desk.
Quote
Round 1 – Leroy Lazenby 2v1 Katherine Hate
"This game was not the match of the day through virtue of the skill displayed by the players, nor the impressive score, or even for being especially entertaining. This game, was the game of the day thanks to the endearing nature of the chemistry between these two players. The more avid followers of Tadpole Wrenching will be aware of the blossoming romance between these pearls of youth. In a match up made in some obscure Disney film, Leroy Lazenby, the heir to an international conglomerate of untold wealth was smitten by Katherine Hate's west country peasant charm. All through the game were exchanged cheeky glances at one another, and the sportsmanship displayed throughout was exagerrated to such an extreme that no-one could tell if either even wanted to win the game. At one point their Girth Reachers met mid game, and all the proceedings froze while they gazed into each other bashful eyes for at least a minute. Eventually Leroy Lazenby won, apparently by accident, the crowd didn't manage a cheer, but they all cooed a simultaneous 'awww' when these two embraced each other after Leroy had won. Spectators wonder what it was he whispered into her ear during that embrace, we don't know ourselves, but we imagine its unsuitable for the pre-watershed audience."
Quote
Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible, but that alone doesn't make it true.
Quote from: Professor Bob Boblo
He had spent his whole life despised and hated for the mere triviality of wearing dresses and make-up despite possessing a (rather magnificent) penis, and this persecution had fostered within him both a desperate yearning to be loved and appreciated, and an iconoclastic desire to subvert and destroy the odious traditions on which society was built.

Bob Boblo

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Re: Tadpole Wrenching
« Reply #8 on: December 28, 2011, 02:07:53 pm »
Good solid win for Wor Bruno
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Hey, I'm new, whats bob boblo's House?
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Talon Karrde

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Re: Tadpole Wrenching
« Reply #9 on: December 29, 2011, 02:43:24 am »
Regis with the triple snatch, I knew he could do it!

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Hungry_Eyes

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Re: Tadpole Wrenching
« Reply #10 on: December 29, 2011, 08:32:19 am »
How could Trumpet Man get it so wrong? :/


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kcirp

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Re: Tadpole Wrenching
« Reply #11 on: December 29, 2011, 12:12:34 pm »
Come on Dean Giles. You can do it
Why am I still here?

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Bob Boblo

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Re: Tadpole Wrenching
« Reply #12 on: January 04, 2012, 11:35:16 pm »
Bruno is still going strong. He is the future face of Tadpole Wrenching I'm sure.
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Hey, I'm new, whats bob boblo's House?
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Lily

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Re: Tadpole Wrenching
« Reply #13 on: January 11, 2012, 10:52:52 am »


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unstupid

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Re: Tadpole Wrenching
« Reply #14 on: January 12, 2012, 10:13:23 pm »
I agree with the Jose Jose Tomtom decision. People doubt his ability and from what we've seen in round one we know he's capable. He's just lacking the consistency to make him one of the all time greats. Still got a few years left in him though so I wouldn't write him off just yet. Lets see how he gets on in the next few rounds.

How about James Jameson eh? That was shocking.

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temujin94

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Re: Tadpole Wrenching
« Reply #15 on: January 13, 2012, 06:00:29 pm »
>mfw this is actually a real thing
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jimbojoy

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Re: Tadpole Wrenching
« Reply #16 on: January 13, 2012, 09:50:38 pm »
Quote from: "temujin94"
>mfw this is actually a real thing

Alice

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Re: Tadpole Wrenching
« Reply #17 on: January 14, 2012, 08:13:53 pm »
Anyone else hear Mary Mann in that radio 4 interview?
She's mad, real mad. But really she's just not been performing nearly well enough and is just using unfounded accussations of sexism to try and cover it up - to no avail!
Quote
Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible, but that alone doesn't make it true.
Quote from: Professor Bob Boblo
He had spent his whole life despised and hated for the mere triviality of wearing dresses and make-up despite possessing a (rather magnificent) penis, and this persecution had fostered within him both a desperate yearning to be loved and appreciated, and an iconoclastic desire to subvert and destroy the odious traditions on which society was built.

Talon Karrde

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Re: Tadpole Wrenching
« Reply #18 on: January 14, 2012, 08:18:41 pm »
Quote from: "Invalidation"
Anyone else hear Mary Mann in that radio 4 interview?
She's mad, real mad. But really she's just not been performing nearly well enough and is just using unfounded accussations of sexism to try and cover it up - to no avail!

Yeah not cool, it reminded me of the time when Boxhold Liger used his thumbspike in that match and tried to cover it up, and there was a woman judge. Classic player with a tarnished reputation, it's a shame.

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Lily

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Re: Tadpole Wrenching
« Reply #19 on: January 25, 2012, 03:31:40 pm »
Alice, you didn't say who won.


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